The most dangerous place in my house? That has to be the kitchen. I just realized how much time my family spends in the kitchen. More time than they spend in their bedrooms or any other room in the house, I know that for sure. I think a lot of other families are like that. Not purposefully...but let's face it, food is linked to social contact and love and togetherness in our society. Where do you think the concept "comfort food" came from?

That's what makes it difficult for an anorexic or bulimic, we not only lose our health, but we pull away from friends and family and social concept and love. Because we hunger for that hunger. We feel a void and we fill it with our so called control.

Just now my sister and mother made some rolls together while I've been online. They both just came in the room just now beaming with a plate full of steaming rolls, wanting me to try some. They were so happy about their accomplishment, and through food, they spent time together. Through food, they have accomplished something. See how easily we connect food to major things in our lives that have nothing to do with food at all? It's no wonder we're all so prone to some kind of eating disorder, it's everywhere. Emotions and food. Sometimes they seem to go hand in hand, at least for me.

Anyway, I'm just feeling guilty because I basically screamed at them and told them to get the food out of my face and go somewhere else with it.

The shame and remorse of doing that got me thinking about the kitchen, our kitchen. It really is the most dangerous place in my house, and ironically, it is where I probably have to start in order to get better and live.

My self esteem is still at an ultimate low. I had some hot chocolate to eat today, I enjoyed the feeling of substance, you know? It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something rich, and really enjoy it. Anyway, I figured it would be panic-attack proof because I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday afternoon. I was walking home from the coffee place and just, my stomach threw the stuff back at me. I threw up without intending to into my hand and had to bend into the bushes to try to wipe myself off, I ended up washing off in a fountain a little. I don't know what happened, I am concerned and don't want anything like that to happen again.

I think that I've lost my period again. It should've been here. But I think it may just be stress about school, not the food thing. I hope I'm right, I guess only time can tell. For some reason I feel as though I don't have time. I don't know, but I feel frantic, like I need to lose weight for something about to happen as fast as I possibly can. This is ridiculous. I don't know, seems like my brain has split in half. It's sad to see what my ambitions have spiraled down to be. Used to be...actress, job, love, life. Now it's, to starve not to starve, don't throw up more than twice today, etc. It's kind of depressing.

I've been lying to my therapist about my weight. I don't know why, and it makes me feel really guilty. I keep moving back and then improving a little and then faltering back. It's really stressful and I'm tired of this.

Anyway, my aunt used to have an eating disorder so I'm thinking about writing her and talking to her about it. I don't know how to start...where to begin. I guess "hi" would be somewhere to start.