I'm feeling really bad about myself right now. I know I just made a post an hour or two ago but I can't get it out of my head and I just need a distraction because I'm home alone and so miserable. I just can't bring myself to do anything and I hate what I look like, I really do.

I know this is worth it, dinner will be worth it. It means another day alive and well, another chance to see the sun and my friends and to listen to music. I must take it one bite at a time. But sometimes silence sounds better than anything else. That silence that only comes when you're not alive.

This is not an option yet, I will die of natural causes, and live to be old and prosperous, I have to. It seems like the need to be thin is encoded into me just like the need for water and shelter. But not like the need for food, no. Food for me feels ravishing, forbidden, scary, and unnatural.

This is all mixed up and backwards. Sometimes I wish I didn't keep everything from my friends and family.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about my trip to Arizona and what's been going on lately. He said something that interested me, he said I'm going to have to learn how to "eat with your head". I'm still pondering on that one, I think I know what he's getting at but I want to be absolutely sure first.

Yesterday the eating situation wasn't too bad. Apple, green beans, cereal, and some cheetos...which I threw up, but just the cheetos. I want to stop that though. I want to be able to eat some friggin cheetos when I feel like it, that's a completely rational, normal thing to want to do.

Anyway, I packed a slimfast drink for school today, drank about half of that...it wasn't cold so it was unappetising. Anyway, I'm having some carrots right now for a snack, and I think I might make some onion soup for myself tonight to enjoy. I feel kind of proud of myself, I think I'm doing a better job. I mean, despite how I feel, I'm doing a better job. I feel fat, I feel out of control, I have this immense self hatred problem going on...like I feel incapable of doing simple things because I feel like a overweight failure. But I have to let myself feel those things, and then move on, you know? There's no sense in keeping it in, and I have to let that voice say those things, but listen to the more rational, sensible part of myself too, and let her run the show. That would be a first in...well, my whole life.

I'm sorry to anyone reading this if listing what I eat daily is triggering or problematic to you. It's just that it's a good way for me to feel in control without doing anything unhealthy. It's easier for me, personally, to sit down and run through things and mull them over so that I don't have a panic attack and jump to silly conclusions.

I'm feeling pretty calm, pretty chill right now. I did end up weighing myself last night, I gained about half a pound (we have a digital scale) and I was really upset for a few minutes. But I realize now that I'm in a more realistic state of mind that half of a pound...that's water weight, that's nothing. And even if it was real weight gain, so what? Well...I know what, but I'm tired of ruining my whole day because of a number. And yes, I will probably weigh myself again tonight and pray for the number I see to go down...but at least now I won't try to kill myself if it doesn't.