So I wanted to apologize for my extremely weird outburst in my last post. Haha, I'm not insane, promise. I'm just not feeling well. Anyway, it's about an hour since my last post and I've simmered down. I feel the same way, but not so unbearably strong, and I'll be all right tonight, promise.

Anyway, I was just thinking about how I speak in codes. Not that I talk strangely or anything. It's just that when I say something is wrong, or when I'm asking for help, I do it in a very strange way. I don't say it directly, and I'm not clear about how I'm feeling because see, I feel bad enough already about conversing about my weaknesses, it feels like giving in to me. So I usually say things that don't indicate much but they mean a lot to me. Maybe some of you guys go through similliar stuff, so I wanted to post this.

Let's see, for me:

"I'm tired." = I'm tired of my life, of myself, of what I do.

"I don't feel good." - I am about to have a breakdown.

"I might eat a little, I guess." - I'm about to binge my brains out.

"It's okay, you really don't need to worry." - I can't believe you noticed something is wrong, I need to work harder to hide this.

"I'm kind of feeling bloated right now." - I feel like a fat pig and I am severely depressed about my "big" size.

"Oh, I was just thinking about such and such..." - I'm thinking about food and dieting.

"Haha, I guess that's another thing I've done wrong." - I'm a failure at everything.

"Well, thank you for your concern." - Please, help me.

"That's okay, I'll take care of it." - I'll just not eat for a long time.

I was just thinking about how a lot of the time I will get angry at people for not noticing that something was wrong, and then I feel bad for getting angry and get mad at myself. It's a viscious cycle, you know?

So, what I'm thinking is that maybe I need to start stating my needs more clearly, I'm still afraid to, but I can try.

I didn't post anything last night like I usually do because my blog was being weird for some reason. Last night was very, very not good. Again, I had a problem with my extremities thing...eating nothing but an apple all day, and I felt bad because I was at a friends and everyone was eating ice cream and I felt like I should too, I'm getting better right?

So I did and for some reason my mind immediately said after I took the first bite, "And now I'm going to kill myself." It wasn't overdramatic or desperate, it was just a calm, nonchalant fact I was stating in my mind. I don't appreciate that, I spend a lot of time controlling my thoughts so that I don't let the emotions over rule me and that little gem just popped up there.

Spent the night pacing, fighting myself. It physically felt as though someone were pulling on me, punching my stomach, telling me to throw it up. I dragged myself to the sink and puked up what I could of the ice cream, it felt so terrible, it hurt so much I swear.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. A lot of the people I know right now are not in a good place and I just decided something: so what? What am I supposed to do about it. It seems like everyone I know behaves a certain way around me, does things around me to get a reaction. They want to affect me, so I can act hurt/scared/sympathetic/happy/numb/angry whatever. They like to see a reaction because people for some reason like it when I behave as if I care. And I do, if I didn't I wouldn't be mentioning this. But right now, I don't feel like reacting. I don't feel like caring about everyone's little breakdowns. I'm tired of playing the part of my life, and if I say what I want to say and do what I want to do and stopped hiding everything, I would end up losing a lot of people. So that's something I need to think over.

So today was not much better than yesterday. This morning I had dropped another pound but now I'm back up another. It's probably water weight anyhow. I feel I may be relapsing, I'm pretty sure I am and I hope it doesn't last because I don't like myself when I'm sick. I'm always sick, but I don't like the voice in my head when I'm sick, it's loud and it's screaming and blarring and controlling me and I feel weak and stupid and used. That's how I feel right now. And I don't want anyone, anyone to know about this. I don't want any of my friends to ever think anything is wrong. I don't want them to care about me, I wish they understood that. I wish they'd go away and leave me alone so I didn't have to worry about them. I hate having to care about people at all, and I hate hiding myself, it's exhausts me. I just want to dissappear, everyone probably thinks I'm stupid or weak but I could care less.

Today I had an apple and some milk for breakfast, I thought that was good. But then I skipped lunch and my mom just HAD to go out for Chinese food tonight. I ate some and my stomach bloated, I gained a pound, like I said. I ended up throwing up a bit, but I stopped myself, my chest hurts so badly which scares me. I know I'm not going to die or anything because I know I look normal, I'm not super thin. Just thin. And it ashames me.

I really need help right now, I think. I don't want to get better right now. Which isn't true, I do, I think I want to live. But I'm so tired, and I feel like punching myself in the face, my brain won't stop, her voice won't go away and I just don't know what to do. She wants me to stay up all night exercising, and I just can't, I have the first day of school, I can't do it.

And then the thought pops up again, then just kill yourself. NO. I won't, you know? That's just so selfish and terrible and I am stronger and better than this. It's hard to tell yourself that everyday when no one else says it and you're the only one. Well, I'm not, but it feels like I'm the only one.

How can I expect people to help me when I don't want them to think or know I'm sick. The thing is, I'm just so angry above anything else right now, so angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at my friends for being my friends. I'm angry at my family for never noticing and for being annoying when they do notice. I'm angry at my shrink for saying the wrong things and for making me even more angry and costing my mother so much money. I'm angry at whoever put me here with this problem, and I'm angry at my eating disorder for being here in the first place. I'm just so, so angry at this.