I've been thinking about this lately and I thought I would get it out in words because it seems important for me, and others, to think about.

For a long time, well forever, I've always been concerned and hard on myself about the subject of failure. Failing seems to be my favorite thing, a perfected art for me. See, I tell myself that I'm a failure at losing weight, I'm a failure at self control, I'm a failure at being thin, I'm a failure as a person, I'm a failure. That's what the voice inside is always hissing at me, "you've failed."

So, when I started making my transition into trying to get healthy, she swooped in like a hawk, harping at me and putting me down at the threat of losing her control. She said, "You're not sick enough to get better yet, you're a failure. And even if you do try to get better, what's the point? You'll fail at that too."

And for a while, that thought was always looming in and out of my mind, what if I fail? Failing seemed to always hit home hard for me, it hurt. But then I began to think about it...what it means to fail and to succeed for me.

The truth is, if I succeed at my eating disorder, yes...I will lose weight, I will be thin. But the question is, will I even let myself acknowledge that success? Probably not. And even if I would "succeed" at my ED, I would die. To be a perfect anorexic is to be dead. So, if I were to fail, like I seem to always tell myself I do, at my eating disorder, I would not be thin enough...I would not be starving, I would not be dead.

Now, on the other hand, let's see what it would be like to go down the path of recovery. If I succeed at health, then I will live. I will be able to feel things other than self hate and anxiety over food. I will be able to find time in my life for the things I've missed out on, I will live. I will feel and experience and be overall a very happy person who will be very much alive. If I fail during my trip towards health, then what? Then I will find myself still with an eating disorder, still sick, but still with the oppurtunity to try again and get better, or, if I choose to do so, get sick.

Now which sounds like the better path to take to you?

I saw my therapist again today, and I'm not sure if we made any progress or not...things are kind of at a standstill but not. He's basically just been talking to me about my eating and stuff and we've both argued a bit about things and I got to vent a little and that was good.

I went to the mall today to get new shoes, and I went to a used bookstore with my mother. I wasn't doing very good. My body felt like it weighed a ton and I was extremely lightheaded, I kept having to stop walking in the mall so I could sit down and let the walls stop moving and stuff. I didn't actually do too bad as far as eating goes today. Had a minor anxiety problem about the soup I ate though and tried to gag it up, but I did stop myself because my esophegus has been through so much already, I'm afraid to throw up more.

I started writing out a meal plan for the next five days, it was like I had forgotten that I was trying to get better. I started planning out what I would need to do to lose a lot of weight fast. I didn't even know why I was doing it. It wasn't until after I finished writing everything down that I looked at it and realized that I was being ridiculous. Just because I have some soup and toast does not mean I have to plan out a near starvation week for myself. I think it's because school is starting. I was so tempted to throw away the paper and tear it up, but I can't.

My therapist says that to get better I can't block out and ignore the voice that wants me to lose weight and stay sick because it's a part of me and it always will be and I have to learn to listen to it and then use reason. Because to block it out would be to cut off a part of myself, which will eventually make my emotions build up and boil over, which would be bad.

I'm at a strange point in the day right now to wear I feel just absolutely out of control. It's always around ten p.m. when I just feel so bad about myself no matter what I've eaten or haven't eaten. I'm trying to figure out why that is, and get beyond how crummy I feel right now. The prospect of tomorrow is exhausting and overwhelming. It's enough to drive a person crazy. I have to think about what I want to eat, what I shouldn't eat, what I should, what I should do to be healthy, what I should do to lose weight, what things I should hide from my family, what I should reveal, whether or not I should even get out of bed tomorrow at all.

School starts this Friday, just a couple of days away. See, that's not what I'm excited about...I don't care about that. I'm excited for it to start because I'll be out of the house, away from food and stressing and thoughts of getting better or getting worse. But I'm a fool for thinking I can ever get away from them.