I'm posting right now in order to, hopefully, prevent myself from having a panic attack over what I've eaten (and luckily, so far kept down) today. Let's see, I feel stressed, worried, nervous, fat, out of control, angry, frustrated, tired, ashamed, hurt, and sad, very sad, and alone. I just thought it would be good to keep track of my emotions since it seems the same ones bring up these freak outs and binges and purges and fasts most often. I want to be able to look at this in a sensible point of view so that maybe I can overcome this.

Today I have had a sandwich of two slices of wheat bread, a slice of swiss cheese, and an ounce of lettuce. I've had one diet rootbeer. Two glasses of water. An inch wide slice of cheddar cheese. Half a can of vanilla slimfast. And I've had a bowl of cornflakes. I have not purged up any of this. All in all, I've supposedly had less than 400 calories but it is hard to believe that or to face the facts realistically, when in my mind I feel so out of control and like a pig. I know that this is the amount of...or maybe even less than, how much a normal person must eat to live. It feels like huge quantities of food to me.

I have kept myself from getting on the scale, I let myself jog around for fifteen minutes, but no more for fear of getting caught up in exercising. I've been drinking lots of water and tea and taking deep breaths to try to calm down. It's one thirty in the morning and it's still bothering me. See, the old me would react to this "large amount" of food exercising, throwing it up, and then starving myself the next day. I can't do that, I won't do that. It is going to take all the strength I can muster within myself to not do that.

I get to see my therapist tomorrow and I think I'll tell him about today because I feel very alone in this for some reason. I feel like I'm doing this balancing act. I have profiles and journals about the "healthy, happy" me that my friends see. I try so hard to make my family think it's okay. I try so hard to lie to myself so I can pretend it's okay. But I've finally taken a hammer to this glass of ignorance and the bliss is over. It's time to start living, even though right now I feel so bad.  

I found this so inspirational and true. If you suffer from an eating disorder, I know you will be able to relate to this. For all those trying and trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, this woman has a message for you.

Last night my little sister came into my room, to use the bathroom that joined with it and just stood there staring at herself in the mirror critically. She thought I was asleep, but I wasn't and I watched her and my heart broke. See, she looks like how I used to wish I could, she used to be my ideal body type. I still see myself as bigger than her, I'm still trying to get there. And yet, I know this is wrong in so many ways. Not even for all the moral stuff and the fact that she's three years younger than me. I know my image of myself must be warped because she weighs more than me, she wears bigger sizes than me and stuff like that.

I just can't fathom it, how she could have any insecurities about herself, to me she looks perfect. And I never, ever want her to hate what she looks like, to go on diets, or to think she needs to be smaller. She's just so beautiful and stuff to me. I mean, I have no chest, no butt, she does. She has bouncy, full hair and freckled skin and a curvy body that looks so good in outfits. Sometimes people tell me I look like a boy's body. You know, it's messed up, because she's said she wishes she looks like me. I'm trying so hard to eat healthy in front of her and pretend like I'm trying to gain weight so she will be healthy. I want her to love herself.