I read your blog just now, and I have to say that I'm speechless. See, I didn't even realize anyone was really even reading my blog, so it's nice to know that someone is out there able to relate. See, you help me also, you give me that feeling of not being alone even though we isolate ourselves and live lives of deceit each and every day, this is like our connection to the outside world, so I'm really glad that you and everyone else post on this site, it's been uplifting and helpful for me in my darkest moments in life.

I have a bigger problem with my restricting lately than I do with binging and purging...but I can relate in that once I get started with eating something I feel I shouldn't, it just all goes hazy and out of control. Right now I just got back from a party where everyone was eating and enjoying themselves. I hadn't eaten anything but an apple yesterday so I just let go and ate. Not an abnormally large amount, but enough for me to have to fight myself from purging right now.

I just wanted you to know that I was getting ready to purge (my family is still at the party, I went home early) just now and I got online real quick just to see if there were any new posts that might help the anxiety, and I saw yours and I've decided to try, just for tonight (small steps) not to purge, to let myself digest this. It's extremely hard but I'm going to give it my all because I know someone else out there is hurting and struggling too.

So thank you everyone, and I hope you guys are all safe and well.

I got home from an anime convention last night, and my dad cornered me and asked me if I had had anything to eat that day. I was exhausted - too exhausted to make excuses or lies. I said, "I don't know..." He said he wanted me to eat something, now.

I argued about the time, how I was tired, not hungry, I didn't want to eat before I went to sleep. He didn't listen, didn't flinch. So I told him I'd eat an apple. While I nibbled like a pathetic rabbit, sitting at the kitchen table in the dead of the night, he said something that suprised me. He said, "If you're going to...do this, then you might as well take a scientific approach to it."

He told me he couldn't make me eat, but he could at least make sure I got my nutrients. He told me he'd be mailing some drinks I could sip in the morning that he usually gives to little African kids when their bodies are too weak to consume solids. I couldn't believe that he wasn't going to scold me, and that he was giving me these drinks for starving kids. But after I thought about it...I could believe it. It must be hard, to be him, to watch me.

I was shaking my head and laughing nervously with a half eaten apple in my hand, but I promised to try it out, and see what happened. My dad told me, "I just love you, and I want you to live." He hugged me, and when I woke up this morning, he was already on a plane back to Arizona.

When I had my bath last night, I didn't read like I usually do. I spent a long time thinking about things. How I feel bad about being annoyed with my dad for wanting me to eat food. He said I wasn't consuming enough calories for my brain or body to function and he wanted me to be well. How can I get angry at that? But I almost can't help but feel like a little kid. I don't want to be helped. I want to do this on my own. But I know I can't. I just feel...foreign to myself and it's unnerving. Anyway, my dad picked up my slimfast and my diet pills and stuff, read the ingredients and said, "This is crap." I couldn't help but laugh and realized that I've been wanting to say that about my life and my habbits as of late...

This is crap.

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