We went out to eat today at Chili's. My mom kept saying I didn't have to go if I didn't want to, she kept asking if I was even going to eat and I kept saying I was. I went and got their "lettuce wraps" (330 cals) and ate about half of that with my water. I sat there and took deep breaths and chewed my gum, and I felt like crap. And I hated myself at first. And I wanted to purge, and I did...a little. I threw up a mouthfull, spat it out, and stopped myself. I came home, and I haven't gained or anything and you know what, it's okay.

I think I'm so much closer to mastering the restaurant than I was even a week ago. It still seems pathetic, but I'm really doing a good job, I think. And, I resisted the urge to exercise. I still am but I'm going to go take a bath and read and just relax with some tea. Pheeeeeew.

I'm having some issues right now with fasting and eating at all period. Mentally, I feel extremely calm and just...good. But I know I must not be good mentally or I would be able to eat right now. I still haven't weighed myself, but seriously today...just walking around with my friend was so strenuous that I just kept having to tell myself, "don't faint, don't faint". It's almost as if I refuse to let myself be sick. Anyway, I feel no anxiety, at least not openly, about eating. It must be all subconcious right now or something because I feel pretty much...nothing.

Got this from http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/index.php

Hope the rest of you find it helpful in some way.

"I feel 'fat'"

First, we've said this many time before. "Fat" isn't a feeling. Sad, happy, angry, frustrated, annoyed, scared, confused, vulnerable, lonely, (in)validated, cheerful, surprised, pride; these are feelings.

When you say "I feel fat" what do you think you really are trying to say? When you say "I want to be thin" what do you think you are really looking for?

While looking in the mirror, on your worst day, how would you describe yourself -- the catch -- you cannot use the words fat or thin or overweight or skinny or any of their counterparts. You also cannot use the word ugly. In our little world we aren't seeing physical descriptions.

See yourself for who you are -- not what your physical appearance and/or size is, or what you think it is.

This is my response:

When I look in the mirror I see a girl who is vulnerable, out of control, scared, weak, and stupid. I feel alone, worthless, and cliche. When I go on diets and starve myself I am doing it because it makes me feel powerful, safe, like a winner, successful, confident, and in some way...happy. I never accept my body because I have never accepted myself, I hate what I look like because I feel that others will and so I put myself down beforehand. That's what I think.

so much better! I think it's because I did all my homework, I showered and got dressed, I've been cleaning and everything (except for me) is in order and well. My mom called and said that she got an appoitment with the specialist and we'll see what happens from there. Oh, and I had breakfast today: banana and cheerios. It's three thirty now and I don't know, but I'll try to do the right thing and eat. Oh, and I'm not weighing myself today, I refuse to. I don't need to add that kind of pressure while things feel okay.

I don't know, just thought I'd write and say that. I just finished "Stick Figure", the book about the eleven year old anorexic, it was very moving and got me thinking, a lot. I reccomend it.

Anyway, I'm out of things to say, so thought I'd post this video, very easy to relate to. I just love this chick.

Have a safe, healthy day, you guys!

This time my mom tried to wake me up, she sighed and said, "Amy, you know...at this rate that you're going in, you're going to be right back in the hospital in a few days." That didn't rouse me, I already had a feeling she would say that. That doesn't scare me right now, I'm afraid to stay alive, I'm afraid to try. I'm not afraid to die.

I'm going to go to school tomorrow though and take my tests and make up work so I can fall right back into the scheduale and hopefully no one will even notice I was gone.

"Skinny...and it will make you cry, skinny...and it will make you lie." - Filter - "Skinny" Love it.

Yesterday was very hard. I binged and purged. I binged some more, purged that up, but my mom caught me the second time. She didn't say anything, just walked out and pretended like nothing happened. I think she's sick of me, whatever, I am too.

I saw my therapist for the last time yesterday. He said he's sending to me a specialist and that I am beyond his help. My mom says it was big of him to say that. He said that he wished he didn't have to refer me to somone else...and that he would miss me, but I had a lot of work to do and he knew I would turn out to be a very interesting person. He said he regretted not being able to continue working with me because I am a very interesting case. He said I intrigue him. My mom signed some papers, he's calling an eating disorder specialist for me. He asked me what I thought about being hospitalized, I told him I didn't like the idea, he said to try working with the specialist, and see what goes from there.

I wanted to give him a hug goodbye because to be honest, I've never felt a bond with any of my therapists like I have with him. And it makes me hurt so badly inside because I feel like he's leaving me but I should be used to it, this will just make number eight of my therapists and I should just move on. I just feel like....it's so stupid to say this but I feel like he replaced my dad and I finally got a glimpse of what it was like to have a dad. And maybe...maybe I want that. But I don't need it so I'll get over it. God, I'm crying.

Anyway, farwell to you, Doctor. I really appreciate you. Thank you for not locking me up.

This past day has felt like a year of ups and downs and betters and relapses. Now I am home alone, missed school, my mom let me sleep in. She didn't even try to wake me up (don't blame her). I guess we're going to get an excuse from my therapist for school.

Let's see...yesterday I woke up exhausted, even though the night before I'd made sure to go to sleep very early. Realized I was out of diet pills. I still had a bottle of two other brands but I'd run out of my favorite brand, and I have this obsessive thing where I have to take them in order at certain times in certain ways and if I can't, it's all or nothing. So I figured I'd just skip them, go cold turkey, I didn't need them, right? Ugh.

Anyway, I was so unbelievably dizzy and tired all day, I have no idea how I did anything or walked, seriously I felt like I was dying. I can't describe it, and it also upset me because I hate feeling dependent...and yesterday just proved how much I am.

Went home, ate some apples and a bowl of cereal, panicked because I realized I had consumed 240 calories, ran around the house freaking out. We had to go clean out the bookstore yesterday which was just great, haha, spiderwebs and dead roaches everywhere, but I felt okay because I was being active and useful and that made me feel better about, you know, being a human being and eating. Then my friend's mom thought it would be nice to bring us some Chinese food. Which, it really was, but I could have died. So I sat there trying to avoid the food and yet eat something and appear to be cool with it so my friend would eat hers and be cool with it and my sister would too. Which is stupid because I am not responsible for them. Went to the bathroom, threw up just a mouthful but got scared/upset at myself/ depressed and stopped and went back out and did leg lifts and some sit-ups.

I mean, I shouldn't have freaked out, I had some steamed shrimp, white rice, and some brocilli. But it still just triggered all of this crap back up and I was so upset it felt like I couldn't breathe.

We went to the grocery store, I bought more diet pills, apples, and carrots. Then I smelt and saw the donuts and wanted them so bad. I spent like ten minutes reading the nutrition facts of all the bread, donuts, and cookies, and cakes that they had and then opted for not getting any. I felt like crying, my stomach hurt so bad, I was so angry for no reason at all.

I went home, ate an apple, told my mom I hated myself, collapsed into bed at 8:40 pm because I was so exhausted, I'm still exhausted. And I woke up alone at ten.

I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal but I honestly don't know what to do. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to get all that off my chest. I have an appoitment with my therapist today and I really don't want to talk about anything. I just want someone to give me medicine and say, there, it's better. I wish this were like the flu or something. A five year long flu...

"What am I doing here? What am I waiting for? Will somebody fall from heaven...and join me on the floor..."

I am listening to a song that has gotten me through a lot of stuff for years, and I have no idea why. "Sugarfalls" by Tapping the Vein.

I need to take out the trash in the bathroom, it smells disgusting in there. I puked my guts out in the trash can last night with the heater on so no one would hear. I did not ask my mom for help or for a way for me to get to a hospital or at least for some alternative to what I'm doing now because I didn't think I could go on last night. But I'm not asking her, her and my sister are really stressed out right now. Of course, we don't show it to other people because we never have, we're the family everyone wants to be a part of because we always look happy, loving, and laid back. We look it.

We are going to be extremely tight on money right now, and my mom is at her wit's end and feels like a failure as a mother. I cannot do that to my family. I cannot waste my parent's money on a trip to the hospital where I will be the fattest one. I cannot keep doing this. It would be different if I were really sick and dying and couldn't help it, but I can help it. All I have to do is stop, the easiest, most terribly hard thing to do in the world.

I have two different friends coming to me right now, wanting to know if I think they have an eating disorder. I know they're not...but it almost as if they're trying for one. Like they think it will make things easier, interestingly tragic, and that they'll get attention. It just screws everything up, can you be more stupid? Don't they see I can't handle this crap?! No, of course they don't because I act as if I can handle everything. I'm Amy, I have a good life, I'm smiling, I'm confident, and I'm going somewhere. So come to me with your problems because I'm perfect and have all the time in the world without any cares at all. That's the message I think I sometimes send out to friends.

Anyway, I feel I have to get better, if not for myself than for my family. I can't put them through this. I was honestly going to surrender and give up and check myself in somewhere last night but when I saw my mom she looked bad enough already. I looked at how little money we have and realized how incredibly selfish I am. My mom needs me to watch my sister, she needs me to help her with the shop, my sister needs me for a good example, for some kind of hope in her crappy life. Who's going to feed the dogs or make people laugh without me? But what's going to happen to me...? I have to get better, and I have to do it on my own.

Now, if you excuse me, I have some trash to take out before anyone notices the stench.

I'm depressed and suicidal at the moment. Just had a big purging session. I cannot trust myself to be alone, I cannot trust myself period. I think I'm going to talk to someone about hospitalization because to me it's either that or death and I don't think I want to die, I don't think I do, not really.

I just know I can't do this, I can't. I just want to give up and go away forever.

I'm going in to clean out the bookstore today and help my mom with setting junk up. I've had some tea and I'm about to eat an apple. Took my Prozac (4th bottle since initial perscription...woo hoo).

You know, this is the first blog I've ever kept and been viligant about updating. I've opened up and deleted and opened up and neglected so many livejournal and xanga accounts. The only other blog besides this one that I update reglularly on is my myspace blog, which is just a place I use to store poems I write. I'm not really composing for readers or anything. I guess I just feel safe in this one. Which is silly because for all I know everyone I know has acess to reading this. But ignorance is bliss and it's been great. I really appreciate this space to get out all the junk on my mind, I know sometimes it must be tedious to read, it is for me sometimes.

I've been talking to friends and fellow patients at the last hospital I was admitted into, we gave each other our contact info when I left and we've just been keeping in touch for the past year. Also, I have a friend online who I met through a support group. We both have relapse issues and it's easy and nice to talk to her.

I am ashamed to say it, but I am the pro-ana queen, or...I used to be. I swear, name any pro-ana site and not only will I know it, I will know it backwards and forwards, who runs it, and most likely have an account with it. It would take months to go through every pro-ana site I have bookmarked or saved on my computer's files. That's really sad, when I think about it. But I haven't gotten rid of them because they are my safety blanket, my security and I still visit them.

The thing is, a lot of people would go to me for help with losing weight and tips on how to fight off hunger pains and hide things from your parents. And I gladly informed them on how to successfully starve yourself to death like an idiot. I'm so ashamed of myself, I feel like I'm responsible for ruined...and even lost, lives.

I had friends online who suddenly disappeared, only later for me to find out they were dead. They were finally thin enough, the perfect anorexics, immortal and goal points for other girls to look up to. It sickens me and sometimes does cause me to get physically sick to even think about it. And yet, I still visit those sights. More like a lurker now though. I don't talk to other girls who seem so early into their diseases and so eager. I remember being eager and active on sites like that. I feel like a veteren in some sick way. Now I stay silent, no longer eager and upbeat about this lifestyle but solemn and bitter.

Somehow I feel like I need to do something to make up for the girls I feel I have personally corrupted. I know I haven't...but I can't help but think that I somehow ruined them by helping them. But I know if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, something else. I just hope they're okay and that they're happy and healthy and love themselves.

I don't know, I was just thinking about it. The internet is a terrible, sick, beautiful thing, isn't it? 

No comment on today. I know I didn't eat a normal amount of food, less than I ate yesterday. And I'm feeling down on myself...suprise suprise.

Anyway, Right now I'm having a hard time staying awake, not feeling well again. The thought of school starting up is making me relieved and also feeling scared. I'm scared because I'll have to be around people who I have to keep my guard up around, which is strenuous and I'm drained emotionally and spiritually right now, even a little physically I guess. I'm relieved because I get out of the house for eight hours, no choices to make about food, no pressure. I'm away from home and I'm forced to sit in a desk and work which I despise but there are less risks of me getting a panic attack there. Less hours to be at home and battle myself with.

This is not a permanant solution, school, I mean. It's really an escape from all the crap but I'm open to escapes at the moment.

I had a lot of feelings and things I wanted to talk about tonight but I'm just so exhausted I can't do it. My fingers keep hitting the wrong keys because I'm so out of focus. So yeah, tomorrow I'll have more engergy I guess.

One thing I'm worried about: my dependancy on diet pills has increased even more. I had eight today and that was one of my low days which is scary. Feels like I can't move or function without them. My nerves are terrible too. I'm getting obsessive about little things and paranoid and it's driving my mom up the wall. I had this episode in this department store the other day about time and only spending a certain amount of time down to the second in each section. I started pulling on my hair and kicking the wall when we ended up staying longer. I didn't even notice I was doing it until my mom told me to stop. I've been having breathing and coordination problems lately which is worrying me. I can't make a connection to any of my life style habbits that could cause that.

Anyway, yeah. I can hear my mom's car, she's just getting home so I'd better go. It's almost two a.m. She was on a date.

Later.