Things seem to be back to normal with my friend and I. I was really worried about that, and I really hope she won't worry about me or think I have an eating disorder because that would just...be bad. I don't have a lot of people I talk to period. So I don't want to lose her too.

So it turns out the past week I've lost some more weight. It doesn't just show by the scale, it shows in that my pants are getting big...my new ones. I'm not going to lie, I'm still proud about it. But I know it's probably not a good thing. At least...my mom didn't make me feel that way. She looked at me and told me I was too thin and she sounded all pissed off and said I couldn't see it anyway so it wasn't like it mattered.

I guess I've known for a long time that nothing great is going to happen if I lose weight like I used to dream it would. But I keep hoping something will happen. Something will happen, like I'll fall over or something so that I'll know I can stop now.

I wish I were skinny so I could stop now. Because maybe health doesn't matter to me. Maybe people all my life were telling me that it was important to be thin...not healthy. Maybe I care more about being thin then health. I know a lot of people do. Maybe it's because thin seems to visibly get people places. You can see it when you look at someone and you want it so bad.

Just like how I want to lose more. I don't think I have a goal anymore, I think I just want to lose until I can't anymore. But I'm supposed to get better.

I don't think I'm ready to get better. But that's such a stupid, selfish thing to say. But I feel like I'm not thin enough to get better yet, which is dumb. But I do.

How do you know if you're ready to get better, if you're ready to start living again?

I feel terrible. Awful. My one friend who's on vacation right now in the gulf called me. We had this huge argument about medication and I felt personally attacked so I hung up on her. She called me back, and long story short, I freaked out.

I broke down out of nowhere. It must have scared her because it was out of the blue. I guess I have a problem with keeping my emotions pent up and shutting them out with my eating disorder. So I just...blew up, I guess. I was bawling crying and saying random nonsense.

What shocks me the most is that out of nowhere without thinking about it, I cried, "And I'm so, so hungry!" and just started sobbing like a three year old who dropped her ice cream cone. Now, if you know me, this is a big deal. I do not like to cry in front of people. I do not like to cry period. I cry when I can't not cry anymore. End of discussion.

I guess I seemed like a psycho. She told me she loved me and I calmed down and just suddenly started freaking out again and begged her to forget all of what I just said and told her I didn't mean it and I was just tired. I guess today was more stressful than I thought.

She made me promise everything would be okay, that I was all right, before we hung up. I promised.

I don't know.

I don't want to face tomorrow, and I'm really tired. But I will anyway, 'cause I can't control this anymore.