I just feel like bursting into tears right now but I can't stop smiling or acting like everything is fine. My body, and my heart just feel numb, nothing's coming...no emotions, no tears, nothing. I'm so tired of feeling like this. It's been like this for months, I can't feel. But I can - overwhelmingly. I don't know.

I just had so much to eat today, I just totally binged out of nowhere. I ate at Popeyes today so that my friend would eat. She would totally deny this, but if I hadn't ordered food, she wouldn't have. And because I ordered food and ate it, she did too. Which made me feel better, because more than anything I never want anyone to go through this...ever. This is eating me alive. And I didn't throw it up, I worked out a little when I got home, but not enough. I came home and my mom had bought my favorite doughnuts from my favorite bakery. And I had some of those. I don't want to throw up because last time I did I was bleeding from my mouth. I usually don't binge or purge because I restrict, and I'm fine with that. But today I just gave up.

 I don't want to not eat anything and be a skeleton, but the only other thing I know is to either eat nothing or eat everything and then throw it up and exercise. I am so sick right now, I feel disgusting and like I'm about to burst. I keep getting on and off the scale. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow if I get on and I've gained. I don't want to live this way. This is not worth it. I kept acting like everything was cool at the fastfood place, and after that...and the whole time I was screaming inside. I just want to die. I've actually been considering dying...but I can't do that. I'm not that weak, I don't want to die because I feel like I have stuff to do. But I can't keep living if it's going to be like this. This sounds so over-emotional but I feel so alone in this.