I honestly cannot say whether I am relieved or dissappointed that I have managed to maintain the same weight for about a week. That's a really big deal, whether it's good or bad. I just finished reading a book called "Next to Nothing" one on girl's account of anorexia. It was very good, better than I thought it would be, so I'm glad about that. I still have to say, nothing beats the book "Wasted" though.

I was going to try having three small meals today...instead of freaking out late at night, wondering whether I should eat or not. I thought, maybe if I plan today out...I can be healthy AND lose weight. Pfft, who am I kidding.

Anyway, I had a slice of bread for breakfast, skipped lunch because I couldn't handle it and chickened out. I had an apple and a handful of cereal around eleven tonight. I guess I'm doing okay though. Well, not really. But at least I'm not getting smaller. I'm really depressed about that, you know? I need to stop weighing myself because when I see the numbers aren't going down, basically my day is ruined.

I feel miserable right now. I feel as if there is no end in sight to this, and I feel trapped and scared. I don't know what I want. I guess what I want is someone right now, someone to just not need to say a word or for me to explain anything, and for them to understand what I think and feel and do...and to just give me a hug. Because I don't even understand what's going on. I can honestly say I have never felt more alone then I do now.

No matter what's ever happened to me, or the people in my life that I've lost...I've always never been truly alone because I've always had myself. I've always taken care of me, I think, and calmed myself down and helped myself and known what to do to make it better. I don't have myself, I am not me. I don't know who me is now or who she was to begin with. I'm just Amy, the girl who wants, who needs to lose weight. The girl who is terrified of food, of telling the truth, and of people. But I want all of them so badly right now. I want to be normal and to be happy.

I feel like I hate myself, so how on earth will anyone ever be able to like me? Let alone love me...

I just realized how many things used to make me happy. How many things used to define me, and they don't anymore, I don't like them, I don't enjoy them. I have lost my favorite things and people to...myself and my problem and my obsession.

I used to love muffins. I used to love YooHoo. I used to love toast. And hot chocolate. I remember the taste of stuffed crust pizza. I remember Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper. REAL Dr. Pepper...not diet. I remember spinning around for fun without getting so dizzy I had to stop. I remember laughing and finding things funny. I remember having energy, not needing diet pills to be able to get up and walk around. I remember loving to read, I have no focus. I remember loving to cook and taste the food I made. I remember going out to eat with my family instead of staying home while they have fun. I remember getting to eat birthday cake on my own birthday. I remember feeling hungry, and eating because I was hungry. I remember how every once in a while I would feel pretty and confident. I remember loving wearing mini skirts. I remember being able to do things, being strong and athletic. I remember food. And I remember...just barely...living. I remember life.

I miss these things, sort of. They don't seem as fun anymore. Or worth it.
Nothing seems worth it. I don't seem worth it.