So in my last post I said I was going to a play. I did and I had a great time, until afterwards. We went out to eat to celebrate (my mom and sister were main characters in the show) at the Wafflehouse since it was the only place open.

I hadn't had anything to eat all day, so I told myself, live a little, let yourself eat. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of raisin bran. I ate most of the sandwich, picked out the raisins from my cereal carefully and ate that, after I made sure the milk they gave me was skimmed.

I sat there while my family ate their huge meals and smiled and made small talk. I felt my stomach churn and could feel the food trying to come back up and I began to panic. I began to feel myself get bigger, the voice in my head was saying, "You fat pig, you have no self control." I told myself it was okay, I would look up the calories at home and exercise. But it was too late. I got up, went to the restroom and puked up my dinner.

I let myself breathe, washed my mouth out, steadied myself, and went back to the table, smiling and watched everyone finish eating, feeling smug like I had achieved something. I have failed. I know that this is no way to live, this is a selfish existance. I hate this, you know?

I went home and dry heaved for a few minutes unintentionally...it was like there was still something in my body and I began to panic that maybe I had still absorbed some of the calories even though I'd thrown up. I went to sleep exhausted. I said earlier yesterday that that day was a sucess, it was not. I want to try harder today, I need to live for my family. I know I have things to do, things to say...and I can't kill myself. But I am afraid that I already am.