Today I visited with my therapist, and we basically spent a lot of time focusing on my past. My past situations do have a lot to do with sex and violence and food...and drugs, but not the commonly known meaning of them. Drugs as in perscriptions, constant trips to the hospital and many, many pills. Just call me the little pill popper.

Anyway, I talked about the kids who harassed me in fifth grade in Texas, the fact that I was the only "blonde haired, blue eyed white girl" at school so therefore the girls alienated me out of jealousy and the boys teased and made sexual jokes constantly. I felt like an outcast. I distinctly remember looking at our class picture that was hung on a big paper cut out of an apple on the classroom wall and thinking, "I'm fat."

Weight, even before then was a huge issue and conversation topic in my family and day to day life, but though I had always been health concious, I'd never seen myself as fat. But starting that day I did. My mom was gone at work constantly and always stressed out from the big move and culture shock so I took on the role of mommy, even though I really didn't need to, my mom was great. I don't blame her for any of my problems, she always gave 115%, you know?

Anyway, I felt alienated, ugly, fat, stressed, and depressed. My therapist and I focused on that and the fact that suddenly I became very aware of my body at that age because of the sex jokes that were pointed at me, so we think that maybe I unconciously hated my body for the ridicule it brought up and that's why I began to diet with my friend Amanda, the girl I mentioned in my first post.

We went into some later things, how I lost weight and then went through three more moves after that. Then there was the naked picture situation. I'm starting to think that maybe I secretly hate myself because of my sexuality. And that's why I try to starve myself, because I don't want to be put under that kind of situation again. But I'm not explaining this well, am I? Long story short - I gave nude pictures to a guy I used to care deeply about. He betrayed me, they were given to his girlfriend, and then spread around school. Haha, how do I get myself into these situations?

We talked about how I blocked out all of my emotions in all of the above situations and used them to fuel my self hate and abuse. I'm not totally sure of this, but I'm willing to give it some thought. When I talk about my past I don't feel like it's me I'm talking about, like it's some other girl and I'm just an innocent bystander.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update. I'd say today was pretty successful, and I feel okay. Still very tired.
We talked about a lot today, but I still didn't mention the incident yesterday at the restaurant or the freakout, I'm pretty sure my mom told him though because she hinted at doing that.

And on a lighter note, I'm still not finished with the seventh Harry Potter book, I'm putting it off...savoring it, since it's the last one.

I guess that's all I have to talk about for today, I'm off to go see a play now, I'll talk to you guys later.