I am beginning to hate restaurants. Long story short, big freak out today over several bites of pasta I ordered. I ended up going home and puking up what I could of it anyway, I haven't eaten anything else today besides an apple in the early afternoon. I don't know what my problem is. I just pulled my mom over into the restroom and burst into tears and told her I couldn't do it, I could literally feel my stomach and thighs getting bigger and I said that I hated myself. She kept saying things like, "Amy, you have to eat, it's normal, you're human, your body needs food. And it's good food, you should be happy, honey." I understand that, I really do.

But my body and my mind don't really get it at all. I feel just terrible right now. I'm afraid I'll have gained tomorrow when I weigh myself, I'm too terrified to weigh myself right now, I did when I got home and I couldn't see a difference. But I'm scared, so scared. I feel very bad -physically and mentally. Spiritually, even.

Anyway, I realized on the long drive home today that I'm so tired of this. And that I really don't want to be doing this my whole life. This whole food and diet thing, it's getting so old. I just don't want to live like this anymore, I don't think I can. I think my body is barely pushing itself by. And I am too. I can barely handle this anymore.

I have an appoitment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early in the morning. Joy. I don't know what I will say, I don't know if I should bring this incident up.

I wonder, what will the old man do if I look him straight in the eye and say, "I cannot eat without hating myself, and I don't want to anymore." What will he say to that? Because I'm not fooling anyone with this "getting better" crap. I guess I'm bad at that too.

Ugh, I am so sorry for all of the negativity I hate posts like this but I had to get this out somewhere, I honestly can't stand myself right now.

I'm going to go take a bath and then pass out.