I am very tired right now. Today is my friend's birthday. We were going to hang out, go do something. No. No, because her friend, a guy who basically is a brother to her, someone very important in her life, has OD'd. I don't know if he's okay or not, she's at the hospital to go see him right now. Her brother just got bailed out of jail yeterday, he'll be going into rehab soon. And that's just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to her problems.

There are people losing their lives right now because they have no food. Someone's being murdered right now. Someone's watching their best friend die. What gets me is that maybe I'm taking my life right now. That's so selfish, you know?

I know that this is a choice I'm making. But the choices in my mind are not spread out so simply. It's not live and eat or not eat and die.

In fact, it's kind of the opposite. Sometimes I feel like I can get better, and I feel hungry and I let myself feel hungry. And I binge and I throw it up or I exercise. That's the closest I think I've gotten to getting better.

I don't know, the two last times I can recall being happy were when I went jet skiing with my friend whose birthday it is right now, and when I let a little part of myself leak into a blog post I made on my public blog. I want to feel that again. I thought that losing weight made me happy. And it does, for like a second. And then the quiet voice comes in that I'm doing good but I need to do more, and if I give up now I'm going to fail again so I'd better keep going. And I'm miserable again.

I don't want to go into therapy or go get help because I don't want to admit that this is a problem. I don't want to be instituionalized because I'll be leaving all my friends who need me, and I feel like I can do this on my own. Obviously, I can't. I won't let myself do this on my own. So I don't know what to do.

And if I only could make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places
We'd be running up that road, be running up that hill
With no problems