I feel exposed. I think that people think I have an eating disorder and I'm not sure what to do. This is the thing: I know that it's wrong to say this because I'm writing on a site for people who suffer from eating disorders, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that I might have one. I consider myself recovering, but know that it's probably getting worse. I consider myself a strong, open voice to support my fellow sufferers...yet I hide and deny that anything's wrong.

And now that I've discovered that someone relatively close (as close as "close" can get for me) has made it clear that she obviously believes me to be suffering from an eating disorder. I know I already was open on my other blog to people about my problems...but I never said anything specifically about an ED. I skimmed the surface of it on that one.

I don't know. Do I? Do I have an eating disorder? Am I killing myself? Is the only way to acceptable beauty dying? Can I get better if I do have a problem?

See, I must be the hugest hypocrite on the planet. I have no problem spreading the word about how you don't have to be skeletal to have a problem, and how you shouldn't let other people set the standard for your beauty ideals. But I do these things all the time. The one thing that is keeping me back, I think, from believing that I have a problem is this: I feel I am not thin enough. That's what makes me a hypocrite. I know, no matter what I say, in my heart that I am not thin enough to have a problem. That may or may not be true.

I suppose you could call me slim. According to my BMI, which I find highly inaccurate, I am slightly considered underweight. I do not find this cause to worry or change my ways.

I say I'm looking to get better....today I realize that I probably am not. I am looking for a place to healthily vent. Right now I am typing this to get my mind off hunger pains? How can I call that a step towards health?

I know for a fact that at this moment you would have to hold me down and force me to eat if you wanted me to put anything in my mouth and digest it.

Do I have an eating disorder?

Maybe that's not the question I should be focusing on, maybe that's not the problem. The question is: How long can I keep on going like this? Am I dying? Everyone is, but am I speeding things up? Am I truly living or just existing? I'd say it's the latter. And for that, I am ashamed...and in some silent, dark way, I am proud.