So I met with the new therapist today. He's a nice guy. But that's all I can say for him. The thing is, a nice guy is not going to be good enough. He met with my mom one on one after talking with me for almost an hour, and I know I shouldn't expect much on the first meeting but something he said to her urked me.

She came out happy, but my mom told me that she told him she was worried about my eating and I had some issues but she didn't know how to classify them. She says he told her that it's just my anxiety and that we're going to work on that and get to the eating thing later. What he doesn't understand is that the "eating thing" is all I know right now. That is my life. I'm sorry to say it, but that's why I got help again in the first place, is the eating. I guess I can't say it's his fault. If I want someone to treat me for anorexia then I have to come right out and say, "Hey, I'm anorexic and I need help." But I can't say that. I'm not even totally sure if I have a problem. I mean, that's stupid, of course I do. But I don't know...I almost feel like this is something maybe I can do on my own?

Another thing, with my experience with doctors, I know that they're not exactly usually sensitive to the subject of eating disorders. I didn't expect any huge ordeal, and in a way I'm relieved. I'm not in trouble. No one's going to lock me up and obviously, I'm not dying. In a sick way, that appeals to the sick part of me, I'm almost hurt that I don't look thin enough for when my mom said I had eating problems for him to tell me it was nothing. Maybe, I can't help but wonder, if I weighed a lot less, he would look at me after my mom said that and say, "this girl needs help." But I'm just rambling, I really don't know.

Basically, he told me about how I crave attention and I overthink things and bla bla bla. He's actually really cool. But right now I can already feel my "outsider's persona" showing up when I talk to him. It's not me talking. It's someone who I want to be, someone healthy with a good head on her shoulders. Someone who I am not. I feel like I ruined my chance for myself, and I feel even worse wondering if I even need to get help. Maybe I'm just being a brat. But I can't stop so this must be a problem, I mean, I have a problem, right? It's almost like I need someone to point that out for me because it's not enough for just me to wonder about it.

I don't know, maybe my only problem is my anxiety attacks. But I'm not sure, I mean...why would I have this blog in the first place if that was my only problem.

There is something I need to admit to not only someone but to myself. I don't think it's a problem but I'm afraid to tell anyone, so I thought maybe this would be a good way to get it out.

I'm terrified. I think...I think there are like two of me. I think there's like two of me, like one girl who is really sweet and she wants people to be happy and she's honest and she wants to get better and she's selfless and she honestly does care about her friends. And then there's the one who just is so...mean to me. Like, she's this voice in my head that yells at me and makes fun of me when I'm eating, she puts me down when I look at myself in the mirror, she helps me stay away from food when I need it the most and she puts words in my mouth. She makes me lie. That's so irresponisble to say that she makes me lie. But I don't feel like it's me. Because I don't always agree with what she, with what I do. Well, I hardly ever do.

I don't know if what I say to people is a lie or the truth, because for part of me it is. The other one, she doesn't care about anything. She hates everyone, she lies and steals, and tries to get other guys to mess around with me and I don't know. I feel like when I'm alone I'm no one. And when I'm with my family I'm the more wholesome quiet one and sometimes I am with my friends too. When I feel threatened I just make up this character in my head like I do for acting, only it's real. And she comes to life and it's like I'm watching it all go on from the outside.

I feel like I'm in control, but that I'm not. I feel like this isn't really happening but it's my way of coping. I think maybe once I get better, they'll both dissappear and I'll know who I really am and the real me will be the one left.

Because there's the part of me that doesn't want to be either of them. I want to be just me. I don't want to be skinny or fat or anything. Just me. Just happy. I don't want to care anymore - about getting better or getting sick. I just want it to go away.

I think I'm having a panic attack about seein the shrink tomorrow. I don't know what to say. Will she lie or will she tell the truth? I don't know. I'm trying really hard but I don't know what I want so I don't know what to do. I just don't want to do anything. I want someone else to take over and live for me because I'm so tired and I can't sleep and I haven't slept in a long, long time. And when I do I dream about food which is disgusting. I'm afraid that my friends think there's something wrong because there's not. This is just about me and me making my mind up about whether to be healthy or not. But I know deep down that it's so much more than that.

I wish I could give advice to myself like I do for my friends. But what if it's all lies? What if just like I lie to everyone else I'm lying to myself? What if I'm lying so that in case anyone recognizes me on here I won't get in trouble. No, it's too late for that. I'm in trouble regardless.