This is a song I can highly relate to at the moment, I find it very accurately describes the control my disorder holds over me. It's not very inspiration...but it is eye-opening.

"Sad But True" - Metallica

It's taken a while for me to realize how much I'm losing to this. There are the good days, and then there are almost always the bad days. But the closer I get to my goal, the farther I estrange myself from everything that used to matter.

I used to want to lose weight so I could get all the guys. Now, I don't care about anyone but myself. I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm afraid of getting close, and the only thing that seems to matter is losing weight.

I used to want to lose weight so I could be more sucessful in the acting industry. Now I feel too weak to get up and go to auditions. Now I almost don't care about what used to be all I wanted. Now what made me so happy is a source of stress and imminent failure.

I used to want to lose weight so people wouldn't make fun of me, the pudgy girl, anymore. Now I find myself not caring what anyone thinks. Now people are saying I have a problem and that I'm too thin. And now...what they say is something I ignore, it's not a concern anymore. And being what I am, is not enough.

I used to want to lose weight so I could wear nice, stylish clothes. Now I have a hard time finding clothes that fit my small frame. Now...I can't fill out clothes and I've lost my womanly shape to wear them.

I used to want to lose weight so I could finally love myself and feel beautiful. Now...I feel is ugly, ugly, ugly. And fat.

And I hate myself.

Things seem to be back to normal with my friend and I. I was really worried about that, and I really hope she won't worry about me or think I have an eating disorder because that would just...be bad. I don't have a lot of people I talk to period. So I don't want to lose her too.

So it turns out the past week I've lost some more weight. It doesn't just show by the scale, it shows in that my pants are getting big...my new ones. I'm not going to lie, I'm still proud about it. But I know it's probably not a good thing. At least...my mom didn't make me feel that way. She looked at me and told me I was too thin and she sounded all pissed off and said I couldn't see it anyway so it wasn't like it mattered.

I guess I've known for a long time that nothing great is going to happen if I lose weight like I used to dream it would. But I keep hoping something will happen. Something will happen, like I'll fall over or something so that I'll know I can stop now.

I wish I were skinny so I could stop now. Because maybe health doesn't matter to me. Maybe people all my life were telling me that it was important to be thin...not healthy. Maybe I care more about being thin then health. I know a lot of people do. Maybe it's because thin seems to visibly get people places. You can see it when you look at someone and you want it so bad.

Just like how I want to lose more. I don't think I have a goal anymore, I think I just want to lose until I can't anymore. But I'm supposed to get better.

I don't think I'm ready to get better. But that's such a stupid, selfish thing to say. But I feel like I'm not thin enough to get better yet, which is dumb. But I do.

How do you know if you're ready to get better, if you're ready to start living again?