I am addicted to diet pills, dieting supplements, etc. I have tried three times to get off of them. My body is so used to the caffine that each time, even when I've just tried to taper off them slowly, I completely crash or have a panic attack and go back to them. It's getting better, no more than three pills, a few cups of caffinated drinks, two sticks of energy gum, my energy mints, my sport jelly beans, and my energy drinks.

Used to be about double of that. I can't believe I'm not worse off than I am now. I can't believe my stomach can even handle meds anymore. For a long time, I'd been abusing my Prozac. Either not taking it at all or taking too much. Just to see what would happen.

I've never had a problem with drugs, besides all of what I just listed. I've never drank. I've never done illegal drugs. It's never been on my list of things to do. Maybe because it has nothing to do with weight loss to me so it's not worth it. I've also seen from someone I love the affects those drugs can have on you. I guess you could say my addiction is still an addiction so I'm not better.

I'm supposed to be taking multivitamins because I am severely anemic. My doctor said he was suprised I was up and walking around after my blood test because I was so low in iron and other things. In a sick way, that made me happy. Someone was for once acknowledging that something was wrong.

I once heard my brother say something about how once a month he "cleans" his system out with laxatives. I was young and wanted to try after eating a little too much once. Luckily, laxatives and diurectics aren't a problem with me. I learned the first time that I did not want to go down that alley. Hours in agony on the toilet, and it's not even real weight you're losing. The physical damage to your body is horrible, too. Not that I'm the healthiest kid on my block, but I will not use laxatives.

I think so much caffine is what keeps me up all night. I'm addicted to that fasting, caffine buzz you get. This high I get off of starvation and minimum sleep. Just typing this I am realizing how much I hate this. I'm hating myself. But I want to be honest, since I never am when it concerns me.

Someday I want to sit down and tell someone all these things face to face. Just to prove I can. I have dreams about the person I'll be someday when I'm better. I think I'll be great and I'll get so much done and maybe then I can learn to like myself. Even a little. I don't care about loving myself anymore, I just want to find something about me that doesn't have to do with weight or control or restriction that I like.

But I am so afraid that the person I want to be after recovery is just an illusion like the person I wanted to be after I lost "just ten pounds".

At this point, I know for sure that I must have screwed my body up in the worst way. This is hard because I want to be happy, I feel proud and I want to say that today was a good day. Because, to the sick me, it is. I haven't had anything but diet soda and a couple of crackers today.

It is now almost five in the morning as I type this, I have been up all night doing absolutely nothing. It's been like this for months. With friends and family, I am happy and I am normal. Right now, when I am alone, I don't know who I am. I have wondered over to the fridge at least five times tonight trying to find something in there to eat that maybe my sick side will let me get away with. I mean, come on. I can't even properly feed myself right now, how low of a point has this gotten to?

Right now, my friend is waking up to get ready to go on a vacation to the ocean for the weekend to party with friends. You know what I'll be doing? This. I'll be sitting at home, comtemplating the calories in a cracker, and whether or not it would hurt to let myself eat an apple.

And what gets me the most is, at the moment...I feel proud of myself. To the me who is hesitant about getting better, this is great. This has been a good day. But it's bad. I've been losing almost one pound every day for about a week and I'm scared but so exhilerated. I am terrified of what's happening to me. I spent an hour getting on and off the scale, talked to my friend on the phone...told her weight was not an issue to me anymore!

Why am I lying to the people who can help me?

And more importantly, why am I lying to myself? I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't think I ever really did.