Everyone's gone. Summer is over, I guess. But when the sun is still so bright and everything...I don't really feel like calling it over. I need a vacation somewhere. That's silly, but I do.
When I went back to school last year with my friends everyone was all concerned when they saw me. I was thin and so close to some sort of goal.
Now everyone else is going back and I'm bigger than I've ever been in my life.

I keep seeing stupid pictures of her everywhere. All of these people who are my friends have pictures of her on their myspace. She's supposed to be really cute and fun to be with. And she's from Arizona too. I just want to punch her and hurt him. Get out of my life.

I found the elevator guy on myspace. Don't ask me how, but I did it. I added his friend instead who seems like less of a lady's man and more of a nice guy. We're having a conversation right now. Last night I was so excited about finding them. But now that I see that they're just normal people with normal lives who work and go to school and have to get up every day and do the same thing, I feel empty. They can't save me from anything. They can't make me free from myself. It's supposed to be me. This sucks.

 

Huh.

My medical insurance no longer covers me seeing Scott who happens to be the first therapist I've ever had an okay relationship with. To continue seeing him would cost me $120 a week, at least. That's not including the gas that it takes to drive the fourty five minutes there and back to see him that we were already paying.

So that's it. I'll never see him again.
Life is kinda harsh. I wish I had had at least a warning before I last saw him, that's all.

The phone company shut off our phone service at the shop today, and my mom paid them to turn it back on. So now her bank account is over drawn yet again. So after spending all day scrambling trying to get it back in the black, they let her know it didn't matter...she was going to have to pay the charges anyway. So now we're gathering up all the scraps of aluminum that we can pull off our shed to take the the recycling place for some money. And tomorrow we're taking our sewing machine to the pawn shop because the flute is already gone. Hopefully she'll be able to buy it back once the student loans come in. It's too late for the flute, that's already gone.

And yet I say this while my nice cell phone goes off because of a text I'm getting with my nice unlimited text messaging plan, so what right do I have to complain anyway?

One of my favorite dancers and role models, Shamsi, is teaching a workshop in Baton Rouge that we're going to this weekend, and the only reason why we get to go is because we asked her to put a hold on charging us. And because she's such a sweet, understanding lady she'll let us pay a whole month late. It's so embarassing to ask people to do stuff like that. Like, our costumes came in for the show this week and we had to ask Ilea if she'd wait for us to pay her, too. I know it's not a big deal, and I guess it's because I'm spoiled that it's embarassing for me. I have a lot of pride and idependence when it comes to my family and our financial situation.
One day I'm going to make so much money and I'm going to pay for my mom's teeth and pay off all her debt and get us a nicer house and a new car. I don't know why those things should be so important, but they are.

I went out to eat with a friend today, and that was really fun. I did fantastic, and my feelings towards myself for eating so much are not too bad at all. Managable.

Everyone is going back to school tomorrow except for me. I feel like a failure most of the time.

 

My nerves are all on end today. I did my make up really nice and got dressed up in something cute and now I'm upset because I haven't been able to leave the house. I went outside and started to take a walk but everytime a car would pass I'd get so nervous that after about ten minutes I had to run back to my house and go inside.

I feel like my nice perfume and all my pep talks and everything went to waste today. I'm just going to wash it all off in an hour or two.
I was up all night last night listening to a song that I just kept putting on repeat.
I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop having replays of what happened with Ben going on over and over and over in my head. I was so embarassed and upset that everytime I'd close my eyes they'd just snap back open and I'd want to go run and hide because I was so bothered by my thoughts.

Is it selfish to feel alone when you're really, really not? Not only do I have three close friends that have let me know I can come to them for anything, that I can honestly say that I trust, but there are a lot of other people I have...accquaitances who want to hang out and talk with me too. But I just feel so lonely and I like I have to get out of here. I want to go back to the hotel room and hide in there.

I feel like this house is suffocating me and I have to get out, but I'm terrified to.

 

 

I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't answer it and they didn't leave a voicemail.

I wonder if it was him, you know?

I don't know what to do, but the suspense is killing me.

 

Let's all try to have a good day. A great day today. Let's all try to just try.
I'll try to.  

I don't really know what to say. I'm just posting to get my mind off of things.

I'm really stressed out about money. Money problems are triggering to me, I've found.
I did a really good job as far as eating and caffeine pills go this weekend. But I haven't stopped worrying so much. The money.

Camille's check that we gave her bounced. I'm so embarassed and angry. The unresolved phone bill. Groceries. Everything is piling up on top of itself.
I need a different reality.

I went to Goodwill today and found some cool CDs. I shouldn't have bought them. But everyone at mechacon bought all this cool stuff and I didn't get myself anything, so I figured I'd buy some dollar cds, I mean why not? I need to lay off the worrying.
I'm going to make sure that when I get older my family never has to worry about money again. I swear right now that I will work myself to death if I have to to make sure that we never have money problems again for much longer. My mom has had enough to last herself a lifetime.

 

 

So I'm home from Mechacon. I had a great time, but not really because of the convention. Mostly because of my friends Skylar and Jennifer and how much we laughed and fell all over each other because we were happy and comfortable.
I wish I could spend the rest of my life just living in different hotel rooms. It makes me feel like nothing is real, there's something different when you're in a place like that, something so impersonal and laid back about it. You almost forget yourself.
I didn't have to see Ben at all. I only saw Kaitlin, Chris, and Jordan a few times.
I really missed last year depsite how much fun I had. I won't wallow in that at all though. This year was still better, in my opinion. Living off of vending machine food and sneaking around the hotel at all hours of the night. I feel like I need to do that more often, I need to learn how to give myself a break and breathe.

I did do something stupid. It's just that in when you're in a setting where you're letting go of all this stress you tend to be a little more uninhibited. I know that I'll feel like an idiot tomorrow after all the giddiness wears off. Around one in the morning yesterday, I was going to the lobby with Skylar and Jennifer to get change. The elevator in the middle is my favorite so I always wait for that one to open. When I did these two guys got out and motioned for me to get in, saying, "This one is free." I got in thinking that was kind of weird and I was suprised when after stepping out they followed me back in. They told me they'd been "riding the elevator" for the past hour or so, with the goal of meeting new people at every new floor. This sounded so genius to me. I mean, that's a great idea, I was really jealous because I don't think I have the guts to do that. I'd tell myself it was stupid and quit after a few minutes.

They asked me what floor I needed and I forgot so we started having a conversation, riding the elevator. I noticed they both had signs on their chests that said "free hugs". I rolled my eyes and asked them if they were doing the stupid skinny puppy thing that one of my friends has done before. One of them, he acted all offended and said that they figured some people just might actually need a hug and need a push in the right direction. I rolled my eyes again, and remembered the floor we needed.

When the doors opened the guy said, "Maybe you need a hug." I shook my head and stepped out saying, "I don't think so." 
"Well, if you change your mind, ride the elevator and come find us."

I made fun of them in my head and Jennifer and Skylar got the change. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I don't understand what it was, but for the first time ever I had this sensation of really being drawn to a person at first sight. My heart was pounding and I felt like laughing. After almost an hour I told Skylar and Jennifer I had to go, I had to go find them. I went to the lobby where the elevators are, but I knew it was way too late and no one really would ride the elevator for that long, not even those idiots.

I stood in front of the middle one and the doors opened. They were both standing there in disbelief in front of me and we all just started laughing. I got in and said, "I think I need a hug." To them it was probably stupid, and they were probably drunk. But when he hugged me I had to try so hard not to cry. I had no idea how much I wanted that. I'd been walking around all day hoping I wouldn't run into anyone who might hurt me, I've been so afraid of getting hurt lately that I wouldn't let myself be happy for fear of getting it taken away.

I felt happy. I feel so cheesy, but it made me so happy. I felt beautiful. 
We rode the elevator.  I got embarassed and got off on the next floor. The elevator guy said, "Thanks," when I got out but I just walked away as quickly as I could, I was so embarassed. I felt like an idiot for coming back. I felt like a clingy person, afraid they'd think I was easy or something.

I couldn't sleep last night. A few times I wondered if I went to the elevator if they'd be there. But I knew that that was it, there wasn't anymore after this. It's just a funny story.

My ride was there to pick me up. I ran upstairs to the dealer's room to grab my bags and he was there. I wanted to walk over and smile and say hi like we were friends. But I realized that we weren't. We aren't. He probably didn't even recognize me. We locked eyes and I turned around and walked away. A few seconds later I looked over my shoulder and was was looking at me. I'd like to think he did remember. I guess it doesn't matter.

When I went back to the lobby, I suddenly felt this burst of energy and realized that I had to do something or I might regret it. And I can't ever, ever regret anything.
I found a piece of paper in my purse and wrote on it: "Free hug" with my name and number on it. When I got back to the dealer's room he wasn't there. I saw some old friends there though and, while blushing, asked them to give it to him (they knew who I was talking about when I described him). They told me they would, and I haven't heard anything since. I don't know if I want to. Maybe I just want to leave it at that. A nice story with a nice ending.
No tears, no painful questions, no loss.
But sometimes those things make it worth it. Sometimes it makes you stronger, interesting, wise. Not alone with memories, but in the moment. In the moment I feel beautiful. I just don't want to wake up from the idea that it was realistic. Because it wasn't.

But I wish I hadn't ever gotten off of that elevator.

 

 

I'm going to be heading off to the gigantic nerdfest that is mechacon. I've been there for every one since it began about three years ago, and even though I'm not as into it anymore I'm mainly going to see my friends from maca who I don't get to see very much at all anymore.

There's an entry in this very blog about a year and a day ago from last mechacon. I remember because my dad was visiting here and I didn't eat anything all day at all except for an apple around midnight that he made me eat.

I've already had something to eat today, so I guess history will not be repeating itself. I feel happy and sad about that at the same time. Last year around this time I didn't have a lot of drama with friends or love life stuff going on, and I was thinking last night about how much easier last year was with problems for me than this year is because when I think back to last year I can't really put my finger on any real problems that I had.

But now I remember. I know why it seems like nothing was happening then or that I didn't have people who I had drama with back then or anything. It's because then I was so deep into my eating disorder I didn't care about anything. I didn't have anyone to have drama with because I didn't care about anything enough to have drama.

So this year I'm healthier, I care about a lot of things, and I have a lot of stuff going on in the personal life department with people.

Which year is worse?
I think they're both just different.

 

I got my nose pierced. I went to tribal belly dancing for the first time in two weeks today. It's too bad it's cancelled next week, I really need it some days.

I saw Scott today. He seems worried, leaning towards me and his eyebrows wrinkling up when I talk about how I feel about myself, about my brother, and about food and what control means to me. He shakes his head because I have left him speechless. We both go around in circles every session, me and him. I feel sorry for him because even when I'm willing to open up finally, he's baffled sometimes.