I'm suddenly feeling much better. As a matter of fact, in less than an hour after my post last night, I felt fine. It's becoming kind of ridiculous how unpredictable my emotions have become. I woke up this morning feeling awful. Dragged myself to my appointment with my therapist, and I ended up crying a lot and talking about what happened four years ago with Tanner. I had no idea I wasn't over it. I ended up crying and it all felt raw like it had just happened, it felt worse than when it happened actually. When it happened, I hadn't felt very much. Ron told me I was finally feeling it and that things do that, they come back to us when we're ready to handle them. He also said "that was basically rape" with what happened with the photos. "That was someone violating your body and exploiting your sexuality. That's traumatizing." I hadn't gone into that session even thinking we were going to talk about all that. I haven't thought about it in almost a year, but when he asked me what was on my mind I just started crying and told him about all of what happened. It shocked me, I had no idea that had been there in the back of my mind. It's going to be a long journey of uncovering things from the past and working through everything. I'm grateful he's there for me to journy through this with. I'm ready now, I think.
I don't know how to love myself or even feel okay by myself without the approval, attention, and "love" from another person...right now that person is him. I really hate that. I'm finally beginning to catch it, what I've been doing to myself all my life, and now that I know what's going on, it's even harder to deal with because I don't know where to go from here or what to do with that knowledge. I want to fix it, I want to be different than that. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm impatient. But I can't stand another minute feeling this way, knowing what I'm doing to myself.
I spent most of my day in bed, I felt unbelievably tired and couldn't keep my eyes open for very long or else I would start crying. There were a few nice moments of consciousness when I wasn't fully awake and reality hadn't set in. When I didn't know who I was, when I was awake and just being...an awake, alive person, not myself...I was okay, I was curious and almost ready to get up. And then I remembered where I was, who I am, how I feel, and I'd become suddenly very tired again. There is nothing person about who I am and the person who felt okay about being awake. How can I just grab that feeling back? How can I trick myself into letting go of the dirty little details and starting over...for those few seconds I knew it was possible to be okay. I didn't have anything wrong with me, I was new and clean and waking up to a different day.
Things are not okay right now.
My mom and I got into a fight on my birthday two weeks ago and she ended up saying that for the past year it's been nothing but a constant roller coaster with me and that it's been exhausting and that it gets to you after such a long time. I started to storm off and said, "Well, I'm sorry it's been so hard for you." But then she stopped me and tried to explain that she wasn't complaining for herself, that she meant it must be exhausting for me to live this way and that she was worried. I think she was also complaining though, it's exhausting for the people who live with me and see me on a regular basis.
I am so afraid to latch onto another person in this moment of weakness...to feel like someone else has saved me. That just ends up crushing me because people are only human and they change or leave or die. Always. That or I will. Either way, I don't want to find salvation in another person, I don't want to feel like for the twentieth time like someone just walked in and saved my life and made me happy, because then when they leave I know that I will feel like I will never be able to be happy without them. And the cycle will continue. And now that I am so unhappy I know that I could easily find a band-aid for it and make myself feel "happy" for a while...I know where to go. I could feel better so quickly if I wanted. I could take control and go back to my pills and not eating and then have sex with random people and find someone to pine over who will "save" me from my out of control life and inner self. But then what does that show you? Looking back at my life I've been hoping someone will save me from myself. I've been looking at being alone with me as the bad guy. I've been running away from me for so long.
I can't stop thinking about Kalvin and Spencer and things that happened when I was little. I can't stop feeling like I'm always on the edge of something. I hate walking around feeling so anxious and so upset that my throat hurts and I feel like I'm going to cry at any second...and I know I won't.
I saw pictures of her in his bed wearing his clothes and smiling, being really cute and all I could think was how it could have been me so easily. I can do those things, I know how to do those things, I've thought about how much I want to do those things. And I'm afraid no one will ever know, I'm afraid he'll never ask, he'll never want me to because he has no idea that I'm not callous and cold hearted and freaked out by relationships. I can do those things. I can be a girlfriend, I just haven't been given a chance. I can be so much more than a one night stand, I finally feel like I can. It took someone making me want to be more. And now that it's there in my head I can't have it.
I yell at myself in my head every day to be independent, to be that positive, independent, and inspiring person who overcame and didn't need someone else to validate her existance.
But I just want to curl up against someone and cry and tell them about everything. But I know that if someone offered, if someone tried to touch me affectionately, I know what I'd do. I know that I'd pull away before I had a chance to register what was happening. I know that I'd tense up until the other person felt too awkward to continue to be close with me. It happens every time.
But I know how to have sex. I can do that right so that's always what ends up happening. And the more that it happens the further away I get from myself, the less I begin to feel, and the lonlier I become. It becomes harder to touch after that.
It's been like that since what he did.
And I'm sure that the person I love thinks I just don't like him or that I'm weird. And I want to call him and tell him it's not true, I do love you and I do want to touch you. I need someone to hug me and to touch my face like you tried so hard to do for me.
But why would he want to believe that? Why would he spend so much time trying to take it slow with me, trying to help me get used to it step by step. Why would he ever want to spend so much time trying to slowly get me to earn my trust back when he already has someone who will cuddle with him? I completely understand.
I keep trying to tell myself I care. I keep trying to most imporantly make sure that no one knows that I care.
The only thing that keeps me running is to imagine myself as successful, beautiful, small, independent, intelligent, and just amazing. I imagine myself as this completely new, different person who is so self assured and great that everyone will want to be close to me, everyone will want to be with me and no one ever will. No one will ever get to be with me, and everyone else will get hurt. Everyone else will feel what it feels like. That's what have replaced my fantasies of being with him before I sleep. That's what pulls me through. And I don't think it's much of an improvement but it at least makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere closer to letting go.
I need something to hold on to. I am slipping.
The way that I feel right now is really confusing me.
A lot of things are beginning and ending right now. I guess in life things are constantly doing that, but more noticeably now, it seems.
I don't know what I am to him, I don't know where this is going. I guess we're best friends. Things that happen and that we say confuse me. I have to let go of that.
I'm having a good time just enjoying things as they happen. I don't want to worry about it anymore, what it could mean...what it says about the future. I want to know how I feel as it happens and live in that feeling until it's gone and go to the next one without worrying what it could mean. That's how it all started out though, isn't it? Without worrying about the next day. It was all very carefree for the first time in my life.
In a few weeks I'll know more about it. I don't really care anymore. I just want more time, I just want it to last a little longer.
Sometimes my eating gets bad. I've been going between long periods of not eating to ones where I eat a lot and then the next day it's nothing and then the next day it's everything. I'm not used to this at all, I hope it's normal to go through a period like this. It's not restricting and it's not binging but it's not healthy either. I don't like it.
My class today was so happy to learn, they were so proud of themselves. Ashley couldn't come to teach today, her and Drew broke up. She picked me up to give me a ride home though and she looked like she'd been crying. She said she had a lot to think about. I kept telling her to call if she needed anything. I wanted to hug her or put my hand on her shoulder or her hand, but I chickened out. I'm so bad at this touching thing still. I really want to be able to just show affection like that and I'm afraid. I hope she's okay.
I'm very ready to recreate myself. I'm so excited to build up this new person, it feels like she could be anyone I want her to be, she could be amazing and do all the things I was afraid to before. Feel all the things I am numb to. I give myself permission. I won't forget anything from before though. That will be my foundation, I guess.
I taught my other class today, it went really well. There was a point where the ladies in class were freaking out about my shoulder blades, at how you could see them moving really well when I moved my arms to do certain moves. Some of them looked kind of grossed out, so it's a good wake up and reaffirms to me how much bones should not be a thing to shoot for. All body types can be beautiful, but I really need to stop looking at bones as beautiful, it's not what's natural for my body anymore. I need to rewire my brain. What they said used to be the highest compliment to me, even the weird looks. As I put on the weight and tone my muscle and stuff, I'm slowly trying to let go of this other idea. I don't know.
Steven and I talked on the phone yesterday and we just spontaneously decided to take trip to Disneyworld this summer. Us and Nick so far is how it's going to be. I'm excited. I have no, no idea where the money is going to come from. I'm going to have to work really hard to not spend anything and to just save up and work as much as possible. I think I can barely make enough money by August for this trip and the one to Illinois. The anime convention is coming up, where we met. It's going to be surreal going there with them. But I'm anxious to go.
There is a lot of pain in my heart. There is always a burning my chest with every thought or memory from...anything really.
But it's not really a bad thing anymore, it's almost comforting and it doesn't make me so much sad as it does hopeful, maybe a little bit lonely too.
The pain just makes me proud now. I know what's happened, I can acknowledge the wrong I've done too...I want to make up for it somehow. Maybe by making as many people around me as happy as I can. And to remember to listen. If there's one thing I've learned it's that it's so important to listen, take in as much as possible and listen to people, we're all so connected to each other and sometimes we forget that. That and that life goes on. Things get better, or at least bareable. Or different.
I'm going to enjoy this right now because before I know it, things will be so different.
I'm going with my brother and his friend to New Orleans this morning, we're leaving early so we won't have to walk around in the sun. I can't wait to go to the aquarium the most, I think. I'm a little stressed about money right now. Okay, a lot.
There are so many things I need. I need to pay people back for stuff, like my sister. I need to buy Queso a new cage, really, really badly. This one is too small and gets so dirty within two days after I clean it to where it's just unlivable for him and I feel so guilty. The cheapest cage I can find is over forty dollars. The car unexpectedly started having trouble again, and we've been pretty dirt broke lately. So almost all of my money has gone to gas money and grocery money for us. I feel like I won't be able to touch any of the money I get for the classes I'm teaching this summer, that all has to go to things that we need. Things that I need. There were a few things I really wanted to do...buy some new clothes I need, get that tattoo that's so important to me, and work on getting a car. It would also be nice to feel like I can go out with friends, but I don't have money and I can't stand people paying for me.
It's so frustrating because after my birthday I'm feeling so much pressure to do stuff, to step forward, to get the ball rolling and I'm not. I'm really just stuck trying to constantly keep us just barely going and the money pressure is just killing me. I wanted to order and read so many books this summer. I wanted to go on a trip or something. I wanted to feel like I could treat myself to some new clothes or go out to eat or anything, and it's just frustrating because I feel like I'm never going to get the chance to relax and have fun and just be a normal teenage and have my money be MY money that I can just blow on going out or material things...and it's frustrating to have to use it for more adult things sometimes because I know I have the rest of my life to look forward to that. I just get so jealous of some of my friends in that way. I want to work so bad. I have so much energy and dedication to give and it's just burning up inside because no one wants to give me the oppurtunity to use it because of what I look like. I'm not stupid, I'm a fairly intelligent person and I'm honest and a perfectionist and a really hard worker, I feel like I'd be a valuable asset to anyone's company. But no one can see past the blue hair or the piercings and that's frustrating because people who I know for a fact have criminal records have jobs at places that have turned me down. I know I can at least do just as good of a job as they can. And I'm desperate here, so it's not like I'm going to slack off even if I wanted to.
I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I want my life to be going somewhere. I feel stuck. I'm too old to be doing what I'm doing, I'm too young to be doing the things I want to. Maybe the next step is to move out, but I need money for that. I'll try to save up the money I'll make with teaching, but I mean, like I said there are so many things that need to be paid for right now. It'll probably all be gone by the end of this summer, spent on things that won't really do anything to enrich my life, but just to keep me and my family barely getting by. That is upsetting to no end because I feel like I've already been brought down by the world, and stuck in this rut and I haven't even gotten the chance to be an adult and get out into the real world yet. It's just upsetting.
I don't want to be here doing this next year or next week or tomorrow. It's depressing to think about this routine I'm in, and I feel helpless to change it. I've been kicking and screaming and asking for help and trying to put myself out there and all I feel is just more frustrated and stupid for trying.
There's so much I could do. I just feel like...if you just tell me what I need to do, I'll do it. I just need to get out of here and be given the oppurtunity to share things with people and to live. Just tell me what I have to do. It feels like no one's listening. So I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for myself then, but so far no luck. I've just been coming up with more questions. I'm running out of time here, and I feel like I'm driving myself insane.
I'm pretty busy right now so I never have much time to update or comment lately.
The classes I'm teaching are going great, so that makes me happy at least.
My mood is so unpredicable with every hour or so...it's pretty scary. I get tired of myself and want to run away, but of course I can't. It's kind of exhausting.
I really have a lot of dislike for myself right now.
Besides that, there's just a lot of anxiety to move out and feel like I'm doing something. Things are okay.
I could sleep forever.
But I have places to be, committments I made. I've been in bed all day. Time to get up and put on a happy face for teaching.
I have to try and just forget.
I'm finally starting to pretty bad about myself for all I've eaten the past three days. It's hard for me to tell if it's normal amounts of food, too little, or too much. I don't really know what's normal anymore, it's difficult. It's hard to recognize hunger or fullness or emptiness. I wish I could get people to understand that I'm not just saying that, it really is true. It's all emotional for me, and that's not what eating or abstaining from eating should be about. It's not about a physical hunger or fullness anymore.
I'm going with Nick to get his hair dyed purple tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous for him. I think it'll look great, but since I'm the one who recommended the place to him, of course there's some pressure there. Oh well, we'll see.
I've been talking to Steven a lot lately, and he's been initiated conversation a lot lately too. We're still very good friends, that makes me happy. Sometimes my thoughts travel and I start to daydream or remember things and I get dragged back into some dangerous territory, but I can't help it always. I think it's partially what's keeping me sane.
Today was father's day and I forgot to call my dad to wish him a happy one. I feel so guilty about that because he remember to call me for my birthday last week. I guess I'll just do it tomorrow, I just don't want his feelings to be hurt.
I've been having upsetting dreams lately.
Some of them are scary.
And in other ones I'm dating him or being physically close with him. I'm not dreaming that way about him every night anymore, but when I do sometimes it's still hard to get out of bed when I wake up.
I've been getting out of bed in the late afternoon lately, that can be depressing.
Fortunately, tomorrow I have somewhere to be earlier in the day so I'll be up and about to enjoy my day.
I hope tomorrow goes well food wise, I just want to keep that healthy balance so neither part of me can hate myself too much at the end of the day. There is still always some hate there, but I just want to keep it at a minimum, honestly. That's all I can handle.
There are triggers everywhere all the time. Every five minutes or so my mind set changes. Hundreds of times during the day I end up deciding I'm going to just jump into a relapse again, stop eating, just give in...I always change my mind after a few minutes, but it's still there every few moments. It's very exhausting. I can't watch the tv without it happening. I can't get online without it happening. I can't do just about anything without feeling triggered. I guess that good part is that I can see the improvement so much. It least all it is is a trigger that for the most part gets prevented before it gets serious. That's good at least.
I teach tomorrow, and then I have practice with one of my troupes. I think all the exercise will make me happy or at least hopeful.
I really love my hair, I just hate how mean people are to me when I walk around this small town. It's like, when I'm at home, looking at it in the mirror I feel good about myself, I feel pretty...and then as soon as I leave my house people make fun of me or give me dirty looks or laugh at me when they see my hair, and it stings. I try not to let them have the last say, I still love my hair and I wouldn't change it for anything. Acceptance is highly overrated. It's just that it's hard to have to learn how to build up this really thick shell to people, otherwise I swear they'd crush me. I can understand if they just didn't like the color and would never do it themselves, that's cool. But the way people act it's as if they don't just disagree with what I'm doing with MY body, they want me to feel bad about it, they want to hurt me about it. That's what bothers me. I don't mind us both having different opinions, but we should keep them to ourselves. I'm not rubbing it in their faces, they shouldn't call me names or openly point and shake their heads at me. It's just a hair color, and I think it's horribly immature and prejudice of them to behave that way.
There's so much I want to detach myself from, there's so much I want to be over. I want to feel okay without him, I want to be walking around accepting the notion of us never, ever being together...yet I know that deep down as independent and okay with everything as I try to seem, one of the things that's getting me by is this thought in the back of my head that maybe someday...
It's been a relaxing day. My eating is doing pretty well. I've been eating healthy amounts of food for the past two days. I don't feel too bad about myself. I just don't think about it too hard.
Steven has a show he invited me to next week. He told me that he thought celebrating my birthday would have been better if his girlfriend and her friend hadn't been there. He said he wanted to try and hang out with me that night after his show, just me him and Nick.
I actually still had a pretty good time anyway. But I do miss hanging out just the three of us. I feel so much more myself and like I can relax that way. I'm really happy that I wasn't the only one who wanted it to be like that. I'd feel guilty and selfish otherwise.
My feelings are still there. Some of that day was really hard for me, but most of it was fun and made me feel loved regardless. Someday I will get over my extra feelings and I will be able to be a better friend without it hurting anymore. I hope.
I'm glad my brother is here.
I'm still very busy this next week, but I'm glad. I don't know.
